liarnjamespayne:

in 5th grade they made my class do a seminar thing on drugs and we had to sign an anti-drug pledge and afterwards they gave us these really fancy certificates declaring that we would be drug free forever and i ended up rolling a joint with mine in freshman year so there u go

bigtimejessemacbelieber:

so i was in class looking at my nails and i see that my nail polish chipped off in the shape of a head 
but then i looked some more and thats not just any head, thATS BRUNO MARS

the-vashta-nerada:

the-vashta-nerada:

i forgot i titled my paper like this and it’s too late to print off another copy

i’m fucked

I TURNED I NT INTO MY PROIFESSOR AND SHE WAS LIKE E “CHARLEMAN….NICE” AND GAVE ME A THUMBS UP IM CSREAMING

lindsaychrist:

ive been fired from taco bell 4 separate times but i keep just showing up for work and they forget

itsbetterthananal:

my dad just yelled up the stairs “CHLOE DID YOU KNOW THE WEATHERMAN WAS GAY I DIDNT KNOW HE WAS GAY HE JUST GOT MARRIED TO HIS BOYFRIEND” and i was like which weatheman are we talking about here and he said “THE BLONDE ONE WITH THE SHARP HAIR CUT AND THE TIGHT PECS AND THE HOT ASS BODY” dad is there something you want to tell me

princessbindi:

tbh i just want to be married to some impotent millionaire who buys me things and doesn’t mind who i fuck or what i do as long as i hug him while he cries about his mom or some shit all i wanna do is gunshot gunshot gunshot cash register noise